Posts Tagged ‘death’

What To Say & Do When Someone Dies!!

Posted on February 8th, 2010 by Clinically Clueless

funeral-flowersOn Monday, February 1, 2010 my Grandma passed away. When she became ill, she lasted about two weeks. Previously, she was spunky, silly, loving and full of life. Our entire family was with her when she passed away. It is quite difficult for anyone to understand my grief, for she helped to raise me and for several years, I lived with my grandparents. Sometimes, I get the feeling from others including my family that she was “only my grandmother.”

My grandparents left a great legacy. Despite all of the in fighting and disagreements and people not speaking to each other, we all came together as a family. We set aside our differences and grudges and focused on Grandma and supporting each other. My grandparents formed us to “always” be a family in the tough times.

funeral_grandma_thumbsMy heart feels like a part has been ripped out. I am sad, angry at her physician, and depressed. My therapist told me to just let myself be whatever that may be in that moment instead of “shutting down” my feelings which just makes it worse. I have a difficult time doing this.  This time it is particularly difficult as I handled my Grandpa’s death in 2001 in the same manner and ended up with a major depressive episode.  This time it feels like I am grieving both.  There is emptiness inside which is normal and expected. I’m fighting not to feel “tooth and nail.”  It is really a good thing that I am in therapy right now…I want grieve and not get into trouble.  Within less than a week, I’m already in “trouble” with my eating disorder.

Dr. David Kessler, Grief and Loss Specialist for offers the best and the worst things to say to someone in this grief state :

The Worst Things to Say:

* At least she lived a long life, many people die young.

* He is in a better place.

* She brought this on herself.

* There is a reason for everything.

*Aren’t you over him yet? He has been dead for a while now.

My Additions: Things that I’ve heard or have been told.

*It is part of life.

*What did she die of?

*You have your memories of her.

*When was the last time you saw her?

*Were you close?

*At least she is not in pain anymore.

*It was good she went quickly, so she didn’t suffer.

*Was she a Christian?

*She is with the Lord now.

*She is with your Grandpa now.

*I understand, when my __________, I___________.

The Best Things to Say:

* I am so sorry for your loss.

* I wish I had the right words, just know I care.

* I don’t know how you feel, but I am here If can help in anyway.

* You and your loved one will be in my thoughts.

* My favorite memory of _________ is _________

My additions:

*Listen to them talk.

*Allow them to laugh and cry.

*It is okay for you to cry also.

*Hug the person

*Send a sympathy card.

*Be there for them.

*Let them grieve in their own time…everyone grieves at different rates and may come up after a long while.

*Provide support or an outing on anniversary dates (i.e. holidays, her birthday, the date of her death, etc…

*Be specific with what type of help you want to give. i.e. grocery shop, make or take telephone calls, provide a meal at the date they specify, etc…

I love you Grandma and miss you!!

So, do you have any suggestions regarding what to say and what not to say.  What has been helpful or not helpful to you?

Mary Travers dies at age 72 from Leukemia

Posted on September 18th, 2009 by Clinically Clueless

I was sadden to hear of the death of Mary Travers of Peter, Paul & Mary.  I admired their harmony and music and activism.  I have so many favorites of their songs like “If I Had a Hammer,” “Blowin’ In The Wind,” “Puff, the Magic Dragon and I could go on.  Please share your favorite Peter, Paul and Mary songs in the Forums.  This just one of mine (Sorry the quality isn’t very good, but the song is from 1962):

 YouTube Preview Image

This was one of the first protest songs against the Vietnam War.

 The following is from Louisville Local Music Examiner :

Mary Travers, of the famous folk trio Peter, Paul and Mary, has died at age 72. Born in Louisville, KY, Mary moved with her parents to New York at age 2.

Peter, Paul, and Mary are famous for songs including “Lemon Tree,” “Leaving on a Jet Plane” and “Puff (The Magic Dragon.)”

Travers first foray into music was performing with Pete Seeger, a founding member of the Weavers who lived in the same building as the Travers family. She then moved on to a group called The Song Swappers before hitting success with the two men with whom she became part of the group Peter, Paul, and Mary.

In 1963, they had three albums in the Top Six Billboard best-selling albums and became the biggest stars in folk music at that time.

The trio was as famous for their music as they were for their liberal politics, both onstage and off. They strongly opposed the Vietnam War. In 1995, they played a concert for the 20th anniversary of the Kent State shootings.

It feels like a dying of an era.  So many of my favorite singers and groups are getting older.  I have a bucket list of singers and bands that I want to see before they die, are too old or should have stopped singing  as they are painful to the ears.  I had a wonderful opportunity to see them in concert and they sounded absolutely wonderful.  They were on my bucket list.

Who is on your musical bucket list?

Where there is a will, there is…..Family, Jackson!

Posted on July 1st, 2009 by Jim

Why is it that when people pop their clogs and head off to smell their flowers (cremation or burial) interest often shifts to remembering them to ‘what is in it for me?’. What sort of a family guy attitude is that when someone is six feet under?

YouTube Preview Image

The term ‘Michael Jackson’s will’ won’t re-kindle terms relating to mental strength (wibble) but rather the legacy, estate and music rights he has left behind. ‘Where there is a will – there is family’ as the great estate debate goes on.

Do you have a will and does it include any strange requests for the day you come to be surrounded by flowers. Do let me know here in comments even if you didn’t know the deceased. Cheers….

Death coach – The alternative life coach?

Posted on April 20th, 2009 by Jim

Ever considered a life coach?

Seriously, or do you know anyone who has?

I am one, I have one and I find the whole experience fulfilling, rewarding and finanically viable enough to keep me off the streets during my recent redundancy allowing me to crack on accordingly.


A few years ago in Dubai there was an article shunnig life coaches concluding that “You just as much out of a cup of tea with a neighbour than you do a session with a lifecoach”.

I had to agree BUT how many of us have tea with our neighbours thesedays?

Maybe you shun life coaching? Cringe at the thought or it and you’re looking for an alternative to life coaching. O’DB in Manchester sent us this LOL link to the Death Coach blog
‘I highly recommend Life Coaches, but what if you still feel like sh*t after you are all prioritized, organized, and sanitized? It’s time for a Death Coach. ‘*

Quote taken from the death coach blog.

Comments welcomed here folks -  evil laughs optional.

GO! Find Life’s Gifts

Posted on September 18th, 2008 by Emma

With the summer over – if in fact it really began –  I am realizing what an incredible few months it has been. Many high points and also a few low points.

One thing that happened to put life into perspective was the death of my close friend’s beloved son, Christer Jebsen.

Beautiful Christer

Beautiful Christer

He was killed in a tragic road accident. A young 20 year old life snuffed out instantly with no warnings and no good byes.

The following words have been taken and adapted from an email sent out by his mother days after his death.

Christer lived his life to the fullest. He died too young but he really, really lived, every minute, every day of his life. Two weeks before he died, he told his mother that if he were to die now, he would have no regrets.

Living Life
Living Life

He had accomplished so much and was so grateful. They talked about how much more there was for him and he knew that. Yet he was full of appreciation of what he had experienced and accomplished in his life so far.

Christer died doing what he loved the most. Getting his adrenaline kick from riding his 1200 ccm Kawasaki. It was his choice. A choice his family did not agree with, but he was free to choose. And they respected that choice.

Christer was an amazing big brother, leaving behind 5 brothers and one sister. They are shattered and heart broken.

Through out the whole group of his friends there is a new awareness to treasure life and make better choices.

My belief is that no matter how bad, there are always gifts somewhere if we chose to look. We are already living in one of the gifts – being alive. Christer’s life was a precious gift to his family. His death has highlighted the gifts that can come from such heartbreaking tragedy. By looking at the gifts that he has left behind also gives a higher sense of honour to his death. The precious days that I spent with his family after the accident, wrapped in love and sharing treasured memories are a gift that I will carry with me for the rest of my life.

I Did Not Die
I Did Not Die

I hope that what Christer has left behind, inspires and guides others in their choices.

We are all free to choose how we live our life. What gifts do we give and receive along the way? And what gifts are we ignoring?

GO! Know your time of death!

Posted on July 20th, 2008 by Jim

It is believed that 98% of people wouldn’t want to know their EXACT time of death.

We ask YOU would you want to know your exact time of death, assuming it was pre-determined? Maybe an opportunity to smell more flowers while you still can? Do tell, tick, tock, tick,tock….

Go! See How Not To Use Facebook!

Posted on July 13th, 2008 by taylorblue

Yes, I use facebook. And yes, I used to be addicted to it. I don’t like that you have to use your real name though so mostly it is only given to people I actually know (with the exception of some people online). I think it’s cool to see how people have grown up. I recently found people that I went to elementary school with. And that has brought back some crazy memories. ( A guy even remembered that he had asked me to marry him on a Valentine when we were in Grade One or something and asked me to marry him now…)

BUT, I have a way that you shouldn’t use facebook. I was going through my mail the normal way I do every morning on Friday and I noticed I was tagged in a photo. My first one ever. So I went to facebook to see what it was…well it was a picture of me as a little girl with my grandfather. And then I read the caption, ‘In Honor of Poppa’…Which totally meant that he died. What a crappy way to find out your grandfather died through facebook like that. So I was searching around there and found his obituary so I knew it was true. (This is my second grandfather that has passed in seven months now.)

So, please tell people before you post that their grandfather died…PLEASE!!

What do you use facebook for?

Older = serious?

Posted on April 3rd, 2008 by Jim

So as we grow older, possibly wiser and certainly less likely to enjoy our reflection in well-lit department store changing room – does life become more ‘ serious’ than it was back in childhood? More status, more responsibility and more frowns?


We still try and keep the child alive in us, even when it’s not April fools day and love turning frowns upside down.

How do you manage to keep light, smell the flowers and remember life is too short? Do tell or we’ll tickle you.

GO! Talk About Death?

Posted on March 25th, 2008 by mike

Mike here,


I’m reading a book at the moment by the author, Julian Barnes, called Nothing to be Frightened Of, to prepare for an interview I’m doing with him. The book blurb tries to play it down, but the book is the musings of Barnes on the subject of death. One bit that struck me was a quote used in the book, that we can’t ever imagine our own death. It is said that even inmates on death row hearing their friends die, still can’t quite believe they themselves can die.

I was struck also recently by the death of Butch Cassidy & the Sundance Kid as portrayed in the film, where they are killed as they charge unawares into a whole troop of soldiers. Death often knocks when we least expect it.


Hmm. It’s a bit of a no no in conversation isn’t it. We don’t talk about it. Like sex and politics it’s a subject best avoided.

So do you think we should talk about death more, or are we right to hold it at arms length? To place it out of sight and hope that it stays a long way off from impacting our world? Or would it help if people talked about it more?

Post comments @ coffee!


Coffee time

September 2012
« Jun    

Coffee Contributors

  • Amazing Susan
  • Angela in Canada
  • Clueless
  • Ethical Eater
  • Irish Coffee
  • Lib
  • Mighty
  • ODB

Coffee Founder

  • Jim

Twitter Updates

Recent followers

Stuck in the filter paper