Clinically Clueless is Hospitalized?

Posted on May 9th, 2009 by Clinically Clueless

Hello Flower People!!! CC here from Southern California and stressed out. There has been a lot of events in my life since the end of last year.  I know many of you know it, but for those who don’t quick summary :

zwtodayifeel_overwhelmedOctober 2008 ~ mass removed, possible cancer, benign.

Thanksgiving/Christmas ~ family stress/with just the holidays as usual, but with triggers this time and begin to decompensate.

Jan/Feb 2009 ~ 24 day psychiatric hospitalization

March 2009 ~ not unpacked from hospitalization yet and  I am hospitalized 7 days for very serious pneumonia.  I almost died.

March 2009 ~ day after I’m discharged from the hospital my father-in-law is diagnosed with terminal lung cancer, hospice in place, given one week to six months.

April 2009 ~ father-in-law not doing well has hospice nurse in home. He passes away on 4/26/09; Funeral Service ~ May 1st; Burial Service ~ May 9th

stressed-outI am still recovering from pneumonia. This means I take medication that has caused me to gain 30 pounds as it increased my appetite, and caused retention of  water and salt. I am unable to fit in most of my clothing. Embarrassing moments ~ need to wear husband’s underwear as none of mine fit!!!  :-(   I have tremors, mood swings, and skin growths just to name a few. But, it was either that or die.  I still lack stamina and have some difficulty breathing. Also, I am unable to drive due to side effects of dizziness and lightheadedness.

decisionsI feel like I’ve been rapidly having more difficulties with depression, focusing, making decisions, fragmenting, ridged thinking to no thinking, staying present, feeling disconnected and on the verge of disorganizing. So, my therapist brought up hospitalization as an option.

Think, think, think….I obtained advise from my psychiatrist and the psychologist that I had during my last hospitalization. They were of no help!!! My therapist laughed because everyone was saying that it is up to me that I know myself the best and can make this decision. Sigh!!!

I feel like I’ve been just barely holding it together and just need a safe place to “fall apart” and process some of what has happened. Due to the rapid nature of the events, I feel like too much happened for me to be able to recover from one event to the next. I’m feeling really overwhelmed.

This week, I decided that I needed psychiatric hospitalization. It was a tough decision because of my concern for my husband, who is very supportive. Also, I don’t really want another hospitalization. However, suicidal thoughts and self-harm urges are getting stronger and more consistent, so I know I’m headed for trouble. But, I am not there yet.

ba00184So, on Monday, I will have an intake/assessment for admission, if I meet the criteria, which I am sure that I will and be admitted to the hospital. Bottom line is that if you hear from me on the wire, I wasn’t hospitalized. If you don’t hear from me assume that I was admitted. After I am discharged, I will be taking some time off from posting. However, I will be making comments as I will definitely will continue to visit and read on a daily basis because more than ever I will need to GO! Smell the Flowers.

Share a time when you had to make a tough decision and how you came to your decision?

All comment welcome in the Garden.

9 Responses to “Clinically Clueless is Hospitalized?”

  1. Svasti says:

    Wishing you all the best CC. Hope that you get the help you need, and find a way to draw on your inner strengths again (I know they’re in there!).

    Take care, I’m thinking of you! xx

  2. Kathleen says:

    My thoughts really are with you. You have been through so much. God Bless.

  3. auntie bets garden furniture row says:

    Have you considered rolling a seven.

  4. Jim says:

    A rough ride you’ve had of late CC and thanks for the update,

    The garden wil be well tended to so no worries there, just get yourself better!

  5. sarah says:

    CC, take care please. I can never imagine what you are going through but we are all here for you.

  6. Purple13 says:

    Hi CC

    Just wanted to stop by and add that I’m very sorry to hear you’ve felt it necessary to take the steps you’ve taken.

    You’re still an inspiration to so many so please get to feeling better soon.


  7. Jacqueline (Jbean) says:

    CC, my thoughts are with you and yours. I’m not here to give you a pep talk, or tell you that the sun shines even when it’s behind the clouds…because I trust in your strength.

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