Go! Smell My Life

Posted on November 19th, 2008 by taylorblue

I’m having a hard time writing anything this week here in Canada. The temperature keeps going up and down and the situation at home is crazy! It’s been a rough one. My daughter has ADHD and she is in the middle of a re-evaluation. So this week, it’s no meds.

Now, what trouble can a 12 year old get in to anyways right? Wrong! I understand my job as a parent is to be patient, But what happens when your patience runs out? I am exhausted from trying to be patient. Everything inside of me holds in the screams and cries.

I can just hear the judging now. But, how can we learn from others when we don’t have anyone listen to us and help?

I was a young when I got pregnant. I was dating my first boyfriend at the time. I decided, yes, we would get married and have the baby because that would be the right thing to do. Little did I know he was abusive and liked to drink A LOT! I stuck it out for me and my daughter because I didn’t want to be done with my marriage at 23. But soon it was beyond safe and I had no choice, I had to leave. We snuck off in the middle of the night to a woman’s shelter.

Now, they are trying to rule out Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome because of the years I stayed. Life is not fair…

(I took this picture at the Calgary Zoo when I went this summer…his screaming really sums up what I am feeling.)

Part Two Later this week.

What do you wish you could do over and change in your life?

11 Responses to “Go! Smell My Life”

  1. TB,

    Without meds…that is enough to drive everyone NUTS. She must feel so awful too. Anyway, I wish that you could stop beating yourself up and making yourself pay for poor decisions that you have since fixed. You had no control over that being traumatic for you or your daughter. Yes, it was traumatic and PTSD is definitely a possiblity. However, it is an opportunity to stop judging yourself so harshly. You can’t go back, it is each day that you try to make healthy ones which you are, but no one does it all the time. You both can become healthier now instead of being 43 and trying to learn.

    By keep telling yourself you made a bad decision, prevents you from focusing on the positive decisions that you can make now and really facing the reality of today. Sorry if I sound harsh because that is not how this is meant. It is meant with lots of love and care. I wish, I lived closer so that I could knock some sense into you. Just kidding. ;-) I’d like to be there in person to support you.

    I keep saying that I don’t really regret or want to do anything over, but then I think about school and not having gone further. However, I know that at that time I was making the best choice for myself. So, there are no regrets, just “what if’s.”


    Take Care,

    • Taylor Blue says:

      I know you’ve said that so many times before. But I see her and can’t help but kick myself for it. But hindsight is 20/20 right? I just wish I would have given my head a shake back then.

      Thanks for the hugs CC….

  2. A/C says:

    Hey there TB

    Feel for you I truly do, second son was diagnosed as ADHD but he wasnt, he went nuts on the meds, really dine when first taking them but as they wore off he became violent, apparently if this happens it isnt ADHD…..

    I would go into the Bathroom and SCREAM, have a shower and cry.. etc…

    We do what we think is best at the time.. no one can ever blame us for trying to do what we think is right at the time….
    If she has PTSD then at least you will both know, and chances are you would have it too, only dont know.

    As a thought though have you changed her diet, taking out all colouring and preservatives such as chips etc… it has been found that many of the additives give children ADHD like symptoms but it is a reaction to these additives….

    Never feel guilty for trying to do what is best for you both….
    I stayed in my marriage for 12 years suffering.. on many levels…. If I had left earlier things my have been differrent….

    You are not super human, and no can expect you to be…. do what you can, ask for help if needed…. and hug your daughter when things get to much…..
    and just when you think you cant take anymore, hug her again and remember why you are there and doing what needs to be done…

    Hugs and blessings TB

  3. Svasti says:

    PTSD is tough… I hope you’re doing okay although things do sound rough.

    Whenever I’ve run out of patience in my life, I like to go inwards. I try to let go, breathe as deeply as I can and feel the interconnectedness of everything.

    And I also try to see life through the eyes of others – to see their pain. It must be so tough for your daughter right now. Especially at her age, what with ADHD and teenage hormones, she probably has no idea.

    You’ve done great things for yourself by leaving an abusive relationship. And you have a beautiful child – lucky you! I’ve yet to be so fortunate as to meet someone I’d like to have kids with. And so what, you had her for whatever reasons you did – but you have her. Children are a blessing, even when they’re testing their boundaries and in pain, as your daughter must be.

    Thing is – nothing stays the same forever. So there’s an end somewhere to your current situation. I’m sure you’ll handle things with strength and grace.

    My therapist told me the other night that one of her clients sits underneath a train bridge and when a train comes, lets loose with a good screech. She told me this because that’s what I feel I need to do at the moment. And perhaps you do too!

    Be well and take care!!

  4. Lib says:

    Aah Taylor, I hope things get better for you and your daughter soon.

    I can’t speak as a parent (for obvious reasons) so I’ll speak as a daughter and say just remember that she loves you and she is coming from a good place. Having said that, I can’t begin to imagine how hard it must be for you to remember that.

    And that train/ bridge thing is a good idea! I might try that tomorrow.

    Group scream anyone? No, really! We could all set a time and every one agree to scream!

    Aaaah. Imagine the release.

  5. Jim says:

    LOL Group scream and that image does look like our furry friend is about to bring up his dinner….

    Thanks for bringing your tough times to flowers Taylor Blue, lotsa courage needed for that and what talents does your daughter have if you don’t mind me asking? Art, music, sport – just wondered if you’d share what she loves to do and if focusing on that activity helps?

    As far as undoing anything in my life it’s a shame that we can’t live life backwards eh?! Start at 100 and work back with the wisdom we have – that’s be boring though, right?!

  6. [...] Part One, I talked about how my daughter might have PTSD. Here in Canada things must be different than other [...]

  7. In the midst of inner turmoil I often fell into the pit of despair that is often filled with many, many regrets. I don’t know how or what happened along the way in the past few years, but I no longer feel that way.
    Yes, there are probably many things I could have don’t different, a million better choices I could have made. But in this moment in the here and now, I know with complete certainty that everything that i went through…good, bad and indifferent led me step by step down a path in life that brought me to the here and now.
    My experiences also have molded me and shaped me into the woman I am today.
    There is a path before all of us, lessons we all need to learn. My experience has shown that life speaks to each and every one of us in a unique fashion that allows us all the opportunity to be more than we were the moment before and pushes us to be more than we ever dared to dream.
    You and your daughter will get through this challenge and then you will have the experience, strength and hope of it all to pass onto the next person who is about to work through these same situations.

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