Go! Rip My Heart Out!

Posted on September 21st, 2008 by taylorblue

So it’s been almost two weeks since my youngest son started grade one. And I still feel like my heart has been ripped out. My son was in half days of kindergarten last year. I could handle that. He would be gone for half the day and I wouldn’t miss him at all. But during the summer my son and I would talk about how he would be gone all day and it would be okay. We both weren’t so sure about it.

I have never been away from my son (except for when I was in the hospital) since I stopped working at 30 weeks pregnant. I wanted him to go to school but at the same time I didn’t. I have never been alone without kids since I was 15. I helped raise my brother and then when he was 5, I had my daughter.

When he gets on the school bus in the morning he gives me these puppy dog eyes like he is going off to jail or something. But, when he gets home he tells me all about his fun day. When he came back from his first day he gave me this piece of paper…I looked down and saw his hand print on it. There was also this poem that said…

When you really miss me, and don’t know what to do, Just press my hand right to your cheek, And know I love you.

Talk about making me cry. I held it in though. But I am sure he knew I loved it.

I was at the mall the other day…ALONE…for the first time…and it was a really weird feeling. I saw so many pregnant women and stay at home moms that had their toddlers with them. My heart started to ache as I  missed my shopping buddy.

I’m sure this feeling will go away…but I keep thinking…what’s it going to be like when he goes away to college. I really finally know how it feels for my mom and why she was so upset to see me move so far away from home. Being a parent never ends. Now I know that!

40 Responses to “Go! Rip My Heart Out!”

  1. Oh, thank you for sharing such a precious part of your heart with us. How tender it is right now. I’ve heard it gets easier, but, at times, it is just different. I feel for you. If you lived closer, I’d be your shopping buddy and spill things for you and get lost behind clothing racks. Take care, CC

  2. Taylor Blue says:

    It’s like the only place that will take paypal…and that’s the only thing i will allow myself to use…when the money runs out there…i can’t go shopping.. :)

  3. Emma says:

    Oh Taylor Blue, I have tears rolling down my cheeks just reading this, thank you for sharing your heartache.

    It shows what a committed and loving mother you are. It is also a wonderful testament to the relationship you have with your son. Many mothers breathe a sigh of relief when the kids go to school and then dread the holidays.

    On the bright side, it is a great time to pamper and love yourself! Guilt free massages and manicures! Then he will have an even hotter mom! ;)

  4. aussiecynic says:

    Hey Taylor

    I am re writing my comment as it all dissapeared into cyber space.. lol.. crap..
    anyways I wanted to tell that it does get easier.. I dont know whether it is because we get use to it but it does lesson…
    I believe kids need school it teaches them so much more than maths and english… they learn social skills, diversity, interactions and so much more that can only be gained there…
    When they come home its a huge hug and sitting intently while they tell all about their day.. enjoy this because enventually you will get yeh its all good response to your how was your day question, around the age of 12 I found….
    Missing your kids is one of the biggest parts of being a parent and the hardest….. they just keep growing and growing and eventually are gone….
    You’ll miss them everyday and how much shows how much you love them.. the upside is the miss you back… and as I tell mine thats what phones and email are for…
    hug him heaps… it doesnt last long enough…. they are truly wonderful no matter what age….

    • Taylor Blue says:

      You totally made me cry! I know my daughter is 12 and you ask how school is and it’s like whatever. When she was off to school I was working out of the home so I didn’t have time to miss her so much. But being with my son the whole time it seems harder. I know I will always miss him and it kills to think it will always be like that. I told my daughter though when she moves out and misses me she can call me anytime she wants. SHe likes that idea… LOL…

  5. Jim says:

    Hey Bon courage for sharing this Taylor Blue and thank you!

    Loved the graphic of the yellow bus – any chance of some flowers being painted on? :-)

    Keep pressing that cheek now, still there!

  6. Urban Pagan says:

    great stuff a clingy mum!!!!

    you do know that you will be transferring negative thoughts to him which will cause him to resent school and education- this will in turn lead him to becomng disruptive in school and not associating with kids. your overly suffocating behaviour will then lead him to develop an Oedipus complex thus meaning he will be unable to form relationships with the opposite sex as they will never provide him with the stability and warmth of the womb that only a mother can provide. this will in turn lead to further feelings of alienation from members of both his own sex and the opposite sex. as he hits puberty- say at 15 he will be unable to idnetify himself in terms of social position of gender role- this will lead to a lot fo pent up anger and frustration. you will then have found a new bloke- probably a tattoist and he will then feel that the one person he had in his life has abandoned him. he will then ‘show them all’ by holding a talk in school chaired by ‘mr smith and mr wesson’ and their friends 26 rounds, also Mr Gloch will pop along and after his reign of carnage a trail of families will be mourning. and its all your fault

    have a lovely day!

  7. Urban Pagan says:

    the thing is though seriously you have to learn to let go. it will be tough but over time it will be easier.

    if not he COULD go columbine.

    then again- what a tattoo that would make!!!

  8. Urban Pagan says:

    I don’t know. I rarely left them with the real phone number.

    if you are finding it tough to cope get out for a few hours a day and have a good drink

  9. Urban Pagan says:

    not true

    I once had a puppy that I had to drown. it didn’t half scream.

    I may not have kids but I know how it felt to be a kid. as you have never been a young boy I would say I have more empathy and understanding of how he is feeling than you do. has he started torturing animals yet?

  10. Urban Pagan says:

    because my mum made me feel bad about going to school

    only joking I have never drowned a puppy

    • Taylor Blue says:

      I was going to say how does this have to do with anything? I never make him feel bad.. I totally let him go and I smile and wave and I act happy about it. That’s what we do as parents…pretend everything is going to be alright.

  11. Urban Pagan says:

    ok off topic

    but I envisage your kids would have new age names like ‘jupiter sandallwood’ and ‘fuchsia reiki’

    I’m not far off am I???????

  12. I have two in college and one in her final year of high school.
    It really doesn’t get easier, we just grow to love and love and love – - more.

    I’m not looking forward to being away from them, but the time will come. It will.
    - – - -
    We could go shopping, yeah?

  13. Ange says:

    Taylor, I can’t emapthise with you but have many friends who could.

    As much as I love my kids, I’m not that clingy! Any opportunity that comes along for them to be elsewhere, I take it! Does that make me a “bad” mum? I don’t think so. I like that they are learning independence at a young age. I have two girls 7 and 4… almost 5 so she will be in school next year too. They have both been in day care since age 1 and they love it. If I ask them to stay home with me for a day, they refuse… they would rather be at school and day care… I must be a boring mum perhaps…

    I love my freedom and travel interstate and overseas without them. Sure I miss them however, the grandparents love having them and they get spoiled when I’m not around. I think each of us has our own way of parenting and dealing with them and you’re right in saying that being a parent never ends. I hope that it gets easier for you… I really do!

  14. Taylor Blue says:

    I am just testing this out…so ignore this.. :)

  15. My heart aches for you. Did you know that shopping can be therapeutic…unless, it crosses the line to addiction…I can stop anytime, just so you know…I really can.

    ClinicallyCluelesss last blog post..Better late than never…I hope.

  16. LOL!!! I discovered online shopping when I stopped working…uh, oh!!

  17. I’ve never gotton into Ebay and I won’t even look…I know my self…NO WAY!!!

    ClinicallyCluelesss last blog post..Better late than never…I hope.

  18. Oh, duh? Do I have your email?

    ClinicallyCluelesss last blog post..Better late than never…I hope.

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