GO! Learn your golf terms

Posted on October 3rd, 2009 by Jim

Hi from Dubai where I’m determined to improve my golf swing. As those who have ever hit or attempted to hit a golf ball will appreciate humour is an essential part of the game. So, when things GO! wrong why not use one of these comparable golf terms that makes it all feel better with a chuckle as opposed to throwing a club into the nearest hazard:

A Sally Gunnell – not pretty but a good runner
 A Paris Hilton – an expensive hole
 A Dennis Wise – a nasty 5 footer
 A Maradona – a very nasty 5 footer
 A Salman Rushdie – impossible to read
 A Rio Ferdinand – lipped out
 A Rock Hudson – looked straight, but wasn’t
 A Cuban – needs one more revolution
 An Elton John – a big bender that lips the rim
 A Hitler – two shots in the bunker
 An Arafat – ugly and buried in the sand
 A Kate Winslett – a bit fat but otherwise perfect
 A Kate Moss – thin and close to rough
 A Gerry Adams – playing a Provisional
 A Glen Miller – kept low and didn’t make it over the water
 An Arthur Scargill – a great strike but a poor result
 A Rodney King – over-clubbed
 An O. J. – got away with it
 A Paula Radcliffe – not as ugly as a Gunnell but still a good runner
 A Princess Grace – should have taken a driver
 A Princess Di – shouldn’t have taken a driver

*Darth Vader interlude:

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 A Robin Cook – just died on the hill
 A Michael Jackson – too high to make it
 A Douglas Bader – looked good in the air, but didn’t have the legs
 An Arsene Wenger – never saw it
 A Ken Livingstone – quite far left
 A Jean-Marie LePen – a long way right
 A Ladyboy – looks like an easy hole but not what it seems
 An elephant’s arse – high wide and sh*tty
 A condom – safe but didn’t feel real good
 A circus tent – a BIG top
 An Anna Kournikova – looks great, but unlikely to get a result
 A Vinnie Jones – nasty kick when you’re not expecting it
 A Ryanair – regular flight but lands a long way from the objective
 A Blondie – a fair old crack

So there we are, golfing stories are most welcome right here in comments. FORE!

18 Responses to “GO! Learn your golf terms”

  1. Gareth in Thailand says:

    Myself and my wife had some lessons a few months ago, we stuck at it for 2 months but in the end we both agreed it was total and utter mind numbingly shite and stopped.

    However my wife did seem to get a lot of ‘A team’ shots, she ‘missed her T’ – eg swung well but the ball stayed where it was.

    What I want to know is who are the sad planks who sit at home watching 15 hours of Golf per day on ESPN? Also why when I pay for sports channels do I simply get endless hours of badly dressed freaks hitting balls on an overextended lawn? Cheap TV I guess.

    • Jim says:

      I’m amazed you’ve dropped golf like a bad habit Gareth – especially where you are in Thailand – its a quality sport where less effort means better results…..the laws of physics and all that jazz – come on – you must have hit a decent crsip shot during your sessions to want you to go back fro more?

      • Gareth in Thailand says:

        It is shite, it sucks, it is boring, pointless and a waste of time – I disagree it should even be classed as a sport. I stuck at it for 2 months but then realised I’d actually prefer to break my own toes with pliers than play Golf for 1 more minute of my life.
        I hit plenty of good shots (as well as plenty of bad ones) but so what – you hit an egg 150 yards in straight line, whoopy bleeding doo.
        Pretentous wankers abounded, even on the driving range. Another reason to stop playing before I wrapped a club around someone’s head.
        Prefer to play real sport.

  2. Lib says:

    Ha ha, I like it!

    I’ve only every played golf once and I was pretty good at it you know! And I’m even better on the Tiger Woods game. Perhaps I should take lessons.

    I can definitely see the attraction in the game but only with people you know.

    • Jim says:

      Yup Darth is the man when it comes to golf – I have to say though the women tees (in red) are foten 50-100 yards ahead of the mens…sexism at its finest I say!

  3. Jim,

    Bet you could use the force on some. I love the list of term. Me only miniture golf…I think, regular golf would be dangerous for me and those I play with. LOL

    .-= Clinically Clueless´s last blog .."Simple Gifts" ~ Gay Men’s Chorus of Los Angeles =-.

  4. I used to play a lot of golf – must get back to it one day – enjoyed it but sucked! Only iron I could hit well was a 4 for some reason – better than a driver!

    I did once get a hole in one – a guy on the next tee off was bending to place his ball and I hit him right up the rear end – from about 100 yards – damn good shot!
    .-= Angela in Canada´s last blog ..Posts of the week. =-.

  5. Tom Young says:

    Hey Jim, Thanks for the golfing terminology,LOL: My (original, I stress)contribution:

    a Teddy Kennedy – a promising drive that ended in the water

  6. Not much of a golfer myself…but I can still appreciate the terms you wrote about!!! :)\

  7. O'DB says:

    Some brilliant lines -

    Dennis Wise, Sir Elton, Rodney King … top stuff.

    Should be part of Roger Mellie’s Golfanisaurus.

  8. ethicaleater says:

    I can see myself having a swing (matron) in the future Jim. Love the lingo..
    .-= ethicaleater´s last blog ..Purple13 and Angela in Canada are now friends =-.

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